After writing and rewriting your original letter, you decided to share it with a child and family therapist named Ryan Lowe. Here was his response:
You have enough insight to know you are in real difficulty, but not enough to see your way out of it. It is not an uncommon dynamic, to project the parts of yourself that you don't care for on to the child who appears most similar to you. However, it does sound quite extreme and as if it might be causing distress to the elder girl and, probably, some difficulty for the younger, too, as she will be anxious about the uncomfortable dynamic between you and her elder sister and probably worried that she might be the next target. As Lowe points out, this isn't just about your elder daughter – your younger one will also be learning that your love can be conditional.
His assessment was that your behavior is a reflection of your own issues rather than your daughter's. He suggested seeking parental therapy with a child psychotherapist would be the best way to address these issues. The therapy could help you recognize your own emotional vulnerabilities and help your child become more confident. In the meantime, here are some practical things to concentrate on: whatever negative thing you may be thinking, try not to say it to your daughter. Think: "What is this really about – me, or her, or my husband and life's stresses?" Speaking softly to her. Most importantly, prioritize time together – just you and your daughter – as this sounds a very positive experience.
Your problems solved
Ryan Lowes's input provided some new perspectives on your situation. While he acknowledged your insight into your own behaviors, he pointed out that your children may also be absorbing the negative dynamics present within your home. The therapy sessions with a professional child psychotherapist could help you break the cycle, leading to a more positive and stable home environment.
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Furthermore, you mentioned that your younger daughter might be picking up on the tension between you and your elder daughter, potentially leading to confusion and anxiety. It is important to address these concerns promptly and provide a safe and nurturing environment for all your children.
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While your behavior may have played a role in shaping your children's behavior and attitudes, it is never too late to change and improve your parenting style. Seeking professional help and guidance can provide the tools and strategies needed to develop a healthier, more positive approach to parenting.
Honesty, Anger and Parenting»
Setting Effective Limits»
What's Wrong with Strict Discipline»
What's Wrong with Permissive Parenting»
Healing Yourself»
Remember that parenting is a journey of constant learning and self-reflection. By acknowledging your own issues and seeking help, you can pave the way for a brighter future filled with love and support for all your children.
Click here to watch Dr. Laura's video on emotional regulation: "Every Parent's Number One Responsibility."
