My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and it's killing me. I can't do this anymore. The emotional fragility, which usually includes threats of self harm or suicide if you withdraw your support, makes it very difficult for you to leave them. Sometimes you may feel seriously in danger of assault, or actually be assaulted but taking steps to change the situation may feel impossible.
The origin of BPD usually lies in childhood trauma, such as physical, emotional or sexual abuse or neglect. These dreadful, traumatic experiences, early in life, prompt the individual to learn ways of coping which can last a lifetime. As what they have to learn is how to cope with these appalling early relationships, the things they learn (such as extreme ways to control or manipulate those close to them) are not suited to healthy, normal relationships.
Living with someone with BPD is tremendously stressful and can combine a sense both of being held hostage and of being about to be abandoned. At the same time as feeling desperately needed by your partner, you may also feel resented, threatened or even hated by them.
I am crushed under the weight of this, and lately, I have actually found myself just fantasizing about what it would be like if I died and was finally free of this burden. I'm not going to hurt myself, but I do think about it, and that's the problem. I think about doing it just to escape, so I don't have to live with the guilt, or the extreme psychological warfare that will ensue.
I don't know how to make this better. Every day that passes I actually hate myself more for not being able to make a decision. I hate him too, and I know that sounds bad, but sometimes I really, actually hate him. He has completely destroyed me, but I feel sorry for him. I know it's not completely his fault. I put myself in this situation, so I'm just as much if not more to blame.